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Suresh
Roy, Commissioner of Police, reported that he can’t explain what it is that is
traumatizing the populace, but he stated to Reuters that all indications point
“towards an animal.” Wow!
What would it have been unless it was an animal?
A ’65 VW Beetle? If I were a resident on Delhi, the commissioner's obvious
observation wouldn't reassure me; I would certainly hope that they were looking
for an animal and not a VW. Didn’t
anything wear off on the Indians from all those years of British rule?
Surely, they have read of the deductive reasoning of the great
investigative sleuth, Sherlock Holmes. Commissioner
Roy would be well advised to take some lessons from Mr. Holmes—perhaps he
should start with one of my favorites: The Hounds of Baskerville.
However,
my sources indicate that it is not totally the fault of the police.
There seems to be a great deal of discrepancy about what this monkey man
looks like. The creature’s
description ranges from the size of a cat with a metallic hand to a creature
standing over seven feet tall with “green lights for eyes and springs on its
feet.” Nevertheless, most
eyewitnesses report that the monster is about four feet tall with “tawny eyes
and large claws.” At least, the
police have something with which to work.
Another
problem is that the Ghaziabad authorities are offering a reward of Rs 5,000 (or
a little more than $100). Now,
there is part of the problem. No
smart Indian resident is going to go out of his or her way and even risk life or
limb for a hundred bucks. The town
fathers need to cough up a lot more money if they expect a reward will lead to
the arrest and conviction of the ape-like attacker.
The
police chief of Ghaziabad, Prashant Kumar, states that he and his people are
doing all that they can with the limited manpower that they possess.
To supplement police patrols, frightened residents have formed vigilante
groups to protect their women and children from this diminutive super monkey man
that can spring twenty feet vertically in a single bound. No wonder that the creature has avoided capture.
This
monster must be stopped. Moreover,
what if there is more than just one of these creatures?
One can only imagine the chaos that this would cause as monkey men
multiply and take over the cities, shrines, and sanctuaries throughout India.
With the globalization of the world, can you envision what would happen
if these creatures stowed away in the cargo area of a plane or boat and exported
themselves to America and Europe? Even
worse, what if the creature were to mate with some of our women?
If you think that mad cow, and hoof and mouth diseases have caused near
hysteria in Europe, wait until these monkey men take over Washington, London,
and Paris. The chaos of infected
cows will pale in comparison to the takeover of our world by these monkey men
with green lights for eyes.
Beyond
warning my readers to be vigilant, I am seriously considering taking the summer
off and going in search of the monkey man of India.
If the authorities can’t corral this cantankerous creature, I will ask
Bill Shaw for the Telegraph’s credit card and fly to Delhi in search of
this elusive evolutionary anomaly. This
could be big, really big. Imagine a
21st century version of Stanley and Livingston: “Monkey man, I
presume.”
I wonder what Bill would pay for an exclusive story and pictures of me
capturing the creature responsible for creating Hindu hysteria.
This article appeared in the Dixon Telegraph on 6/7/01.
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